A love letter to Al

When someone tells you that they’re picking up the latest album of a popular artist who has enjoyed commercial success since 1983, you’d probably take that trip down memory lane remembering that was the same year that Thriller hit #1, that Kiss first “unmasked” and performed without make-up, or, digging deeper, that year that Quiet Riot’s “Mental Health” topped the US Album charts.  Cum on, feel the noise?!  Oh, Dee…you couldn’t spell for shit even then!

No, no no…1983 marked the release of a far more important album…one that launched the career of mad genius Weird “Al” Yankovic!  Yes, there’s a ton of press on him this week as he’s in the middle of releasing 8 music videos in 8 days on various internet video services.  Of the three I’ve seen thus far, they’re hysterical (parodies of Happy, Blurred Lines, and Royals). 

Let’s just say that a large portion of my childhood was spent reading Mad Magazine (Cracked was for losers) and listening to the latest Weird Al polka compilation of popular music.  There have been many times when I had that “Ah ha” moment as I heard the original song and linked it to the parody I had been listening to for years.  It wasn’t until I was deep in my teen years when I realized that his Hot Rocks Polka was exclusively Rolling Stones material!  Duh!  Honestly, you haven't heard the Rolling Stones until you've listened to them in the originally intended polka style.  Jagger could have used an accordion in their Sucking in the 70's tour.

His songs were featured in a number of movies, both live action and cartoon; the theme for Spy Hard, As a kid growing up in the 80’s, who could forget that in the same cartoon where the word “shit” was uttered, it also boasted an original by my musical hero!

And then came UHF, Weird Al’s 1989 movie that featured him in the lead role, but my first knowledge of Michael Richard’s physical comedic delivery as Stanly Spadowski.  This film is full of quotable lines including “You’re so stupid!”, “Twinkie Weiner Sandwich”, and “You get to drink from the…FIREHOSE!”

And, in the 1990s, he had his own Saturday morning show featuring Harvey the Wonder Hampster and Billy West, voice artist responsible for Ren & Stimpy, Fry, Prof. Farnsword and Zoidberg on Futurama, the Red M&M and the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee!  I mean, you can’t make this stuff up!

OK, he's a bit warped, but all in all, you’d have a hard time finding a musician/actor/writer who has been artistically relevant across so many media outlets for as long as Al has.  And, you'd have a hard time finding a musician as revered as Al is by his peers.  Dave Grohl said that he knew he'd made it as a musician when Weird "Al" parodied Smells Like Teen Spirit.  And, Mark Knopfler and Guy Fletcher insisted they play their respective instruments on the Dire Straights parody of Money for Nothing:

(If you're into the shot-for-shot parodies, also check out his version of Michael Jackson's "Bad": Fat...just too many awesome videos to list here)

Regardless of where you became aware of this man, make sure you check out his page today and the next 4 after that to see what new videos he’s released.  Also, make sure to check out this homage to tackiness which has a cast of stars you’re guaranteed to recognize.  As nerdy becomes increasingly trendy, you’re going to have to know your Weird “Al” to keep up with the cool kids!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsWo8apgLys

Queen Bea

An accounting of events re: Aruba’s Queen Beatrix International Airport, United Airlines and the TSA:

Hi.  You don’t know me, but recently I traveled to your (mostly) beautiful island.  I spent a week in the sun, lathered in sunscreen, with Pina Colada in hand, watching your people’s quaint game of “futbol.”  I have to say that, beyond the ridiculous prices for food, it was an overall pleasurable experience…until I tried to return home.  I can’t blame all of you for every facet of the singular experience, so I’ll attempt to be judicious in my commentary in assigning responsibility.

Firstly, while slow, thank you Avis for being the easiest part of our return effort.  While you only staffed one person on a Sunday (the most busy travel day of the week, more on that later), the gentleman was still kind and smiling throughout the 25 minute process.  That’s right, it took 25 minutes to return a car which had already been paid for, gassed up, and returned with no more scratches/dents than was borrowed with.

Sir or Madam of United Airlines, I will first profess to be no master of the internet.  However, I would like to point out to both you and Airport staff, that the internet is a wonderful source of information.  Granted, without wifi in your terminal, it is more difficult to come by that information unless you have a hard-wired connection…but I digress.  Why is this important?  Well, certainly, regardless of any other carriers flying on that same day, you should have a log of the following:  number of flights, variety of aircraft and passenger capacities, flight frequency, and the number of staffers necessary to process departures in a timely manner.  As you could guess, United Airlines was woefully understaffed to handle the volume of passengers flying on an (albeit American) Holiday weekend.  I would daresay that United should go the extra mile and see how many competing flights from other carriers there are in a day so as to ensure that the maximum number of check-in booths were available.  Obviously this didn’t happen as my party and 500 other people patiently sweated in line to check our bags.

Security was fine.  Lines were short and efficient.  However, because US Customs was in the airport too, it was required that you re-pick-up your bag after security so as to process your trip through customs.  Another line full of fuming travelers formed as we were expected to retrieve our baggage from the respective airline holding areas.  Why?  Who knows, but the line was yet another 300 or 400 people long.  We finally argued our way up front to retrieve our luggage so as to not miss our flight.  While the pick-up/drop-off concept a good idea conceptually, it was executed poorly.  Once in the room with the piled bags, only 5 of our 6 made it to the United Airlines pile.  I don’t know whose responsibility it was to ensure that the bags got to the correct location, but it did take us a while to figure out that someone was attempting to send our bag out on Jet Blue instead of our flight with United.  That was about 20 minutes of hysteria as it was inconceivable that in the 10 minutes from when we dropped it off, the bag was already missing.  Still, diligence in our party managed to thwart someone’s nefarious plot to inadvertently ship our bag to the mid-west.  Time to get back in line.

US Customs line was, at least, another 500 people.  Why?  Turns out that TSA’s computers went down for a bit. Gosh, that’s reassuring.  Your tax dollars well spent.  I understand that its TSA representatives operating in a foreign country…however, if you’ve ever been to Aruba, you’d realize that the majority of people on holiday are from the States.  And, the terminal we were in was exclusively for US travel.  In my opinion, this was inexcusable…especially since we’d just been in two ridiculous lines, and this was the third.  Did I mention no wifi?  Add to that limited cell service.  No way to know whether our flight left, was delayed or outright cancelled. 

However, finally we did make it to the gates.  Which gate?  The boarding pass said 7.  However, the board didn’t even show our flight had arrived.  A look around showed many confused passengers going from gate to gate (luckily it’s not a large airport), looking to board a plane with no gate assignment.  Not us.  Why?  I had quickly identified two gentlemen in uniforms patiently waiting with us.  Yes, the pilot and co-pilot were among those going to Newark without a plane.  Pop a squat dudes, we’re in it for the long haul. 

All said and done, the flight took off 1:35 minutes after it was scheduled.  This brought our Aruba Airport experience to a total of 4:35hrs, and a delayed arrival at Newark of about 1:50hrs.  Home, with two cranky exhausted children and all of the checked luggage by 11pm.  Now, I’m no mathematician, but I will say this, flying anywhere is an amazing thought.  While they sell you shitty snacks and give you your $0.50 of soda, you’re still flying…you, with no wings and absolutely no business being that far up in the sky, are flying (see Louis C.K.), BUT, total travel time, including the drive from the hotel to the airport, was greater than 10hrs…i.e. the same amount of drive time to get from the Jerz to Bar Harbor, or the southernmost tip of the Outer Banks.  So, before you brag about how flights save time, consider the TOTAL time spent…and add to that the exorbitant cost for your family to be seated, fed and comfortable…and your inability to affordably check as many bags as you want.  I see a flightless vacation in my future for next summer.  Bar Harbor/New England, I miss you so much!

Technology FTW

Let me start with, life doesn't suck.  I'm down in Aruba with my family...drinking beer, and thinking about how to distract Belgian fans by throwing waffles at them during the next US game of the World Cup on Tuesday.  (For those playing the home game, yes, I bought small waffle cookies so that we can eat'em and beat'em). 

That said, I want to wrap up from last week...and, answer some of the questions that have been repeatedly posed to me about the incident without getting too deep in the details.

First, as you know, and most of Facebook and NJ knows, my parents dog, Pepper, has been returned.  Turns out, as I surmised, the "alleged" criminals weren't smart, and what led to their capture/incarceration, was, ultimately, their stupidity (not "alleged").  That said, a couple of tricks with technology made all the difference, and, I believe, grossly shortened the entire experience:

One, register your iDevices.  Apple, in its infinite wisdom, makes things pretty easy for you.  With your single Apple ID, the associated devices can be located using iOS 7+ location services.  How?  Using iCloud.com, you can enter your Apple ID and password, and, if the router you're using has an associated address (and if you're using a TV company's router, it likely does), Apple will show you on a street grid where those devices are.  Go ahead, try it.  I'll wait.  That goes for iPads, iPhones, Mackbooks, iMacs...the entire family of devices, wifi and 3G.  Even when they are off/offline, you can set those devices to play a sound, lock, or erase once they reconnect to the internet.  Our "alleged" moronic friends decided to try to access the iPad's internet at 7pm last Tuesday in an apartment complex in New Brunswick.  Police were dispatched and, while they couldn't logistically go door to door in the entire complex, they, smartly, recorded license plates of all the vehicles in the parking lot.

A couple of notes about that.  People notoriously don't lock their wifi, allowing neighbors to jump on without much notice.  Logistically, even if the PoPo found the apartment with the wifi, it wasn't necessarily going to be the one with the stolen merch.  And, the electronics could have been fenced/sold by that point to someone other than the ones who had the puppy.  In hindsight, I believe that the detectives, knowing their business, did the right thing.  More on that later.  Two hours after the iPad pinged, the laptop did as well.  Same lot.  Same complex.  Same "alleged" morons.

Secondly, it made sense that, before too much time passed, it was time to enlist help.  That's where you came in.  In addition to posting to my wall, I also hit some FaceBook pages, the largest of which was the NJ SPCA with over 56,000 likes.  In a couple of hours, we had 300 shares...which was very encouraging, because each of those people, on average, had a minimum 100 friends.  Now, boom, I'm no mathematician, but that's people, and moreso, people I am not FB friends with.  So, new people, and NJ people.  A step in the right direction.

Also, a slow day in NY News maybe?  But, I private messaged NY's local NBC, Fox, and ABC affiliates (I'll never recognize CBS as a real station...kidding, kinda?).  Minutes after I posted, NBC wrote me back asking for a phone number.  I gave, they called, and in 5 minutes, Roseanne Colletti was on her way to my mom's house.  None of the others called, but who cares, we were going to get the story on the news!  Thanks FaceBook!  The number of shares was growing by the hour, up to around 500 on NJ SPCA.

Story was given, and the news report kicked the effort into high gear.  The police department's press release reached all of the...uh...press, and the story ran in nearly every NJ paper and crossed media platforms: 101.5fm, CBSfm, 1010 WINS...and, two other networks (if you call Verizon 1 a network) were on their way to interview my mom for TV.  Even the SF Gate carried the story! 

Now, when you're an "alleged" criminal, and the dog that's running around your apartment matches, exactly, the description running on the news, AND, the map shows the parking lot where your car is parked...maybe it's time to give up the ghost...uh, dog.  When the "alleged" morons drove the dog to the vet, two days after the abduction, the plates of the car matched those that were "allegedly" in the parking lot the night the iPad and MacBook sang out.  The police, in plain clothes, were there, at the vet, with my mom, ahead of the "alleged" morons.  Dog returned; people taken back to Franklin Police HQ in the back seat of some very comfortable Crown Vics, and car was towed for further investigative review.

When it was all said and done, and I was told by the authorities that I could thank everyone for their help, there was over 2,500 shares on NJ SPCA alone and the location of the electronics was revealed to the police.  SUCCESS!  The lessons learned I think are obvious, but bear repeating, learn how to use your electronics.  Kill switch software will soon be ubiquitous across all portable media, so it pays to read the occasional blog, or visit the manufacturers store (Apple or Microsoft) to figure out how to use it.  Second, trust the police.  While at first it seemed like they were working slowly, eventually their tactics were completely appropriate and contributed greatly to the resolution.  There's still a bit of departure between equipment manufacturers and the authorities, but that gap gets narrower every day.  And three, trust that your cause is worthwhile and turn to your friends.  Suggestions of how to get the word out digitally came from so many friends on FB.  And, while we can't thank you all, know that the community is how this thing came together.  So, thanks again.  Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a drink with a fancy little umbrella calling my name. 

Losing Faith in Humanity

I'll keep this brief:

Yesterday, between the hours of 1pm and 3pm while my mom was shopping at Target, burglars entered the house I grew up at, rifled through my family's jewelery boxes, took rings and earrings, ipad and macbook, and then decided to take my mothers puppy.

That's right, the thieves took my mom's dog.  I don't have words, and our whole family is beside itself with grief.  How could someone be so brazen?  Why would they take her?  That's our pet!  Imprinted on us!  Who would do such a thing.

Franklin Township (Somerset, NJ) police are on the job.  Officers and detectives took descriptions of everything, and, yes, a description of the dog.  The RFID company that manages the microchip database has been put on alert that she's been stolen.  Any vet who scans her will immediately be

As a technophile, I armed the "lock" feature on both the laptop and ipad should someone attempt to access the internet with them.  Sure enough, at 7pm, the iPad triggered the alarm and locked up.  A map was e-mailed to my mom's account, and I was able to see the location as well using iCloud.com.  E-mail and map image were texted/sent to the detective on call, and they went to the location.  Because this was triggered by wifi access, a precise location is all but impossible, especially since it showed that the device was in a condominium complex...3 miles away from my parent's house, in New Brunswick. 

Officers went to the scene and observed.  TV teaches us that without a warrant and specific location information, it would be difficult to ascertain which condo was the one we would be interested in.  Instead, they noted the only wifi signal that was broadcasting, and took the license plate numbers of all parked cars so that they could confer with New Brunswick Police to see if there are any repeat offenders living there.

Then, at 10pm, the laptop alarm went off.  Sure enough, same location.  Again we contacted the detective on duty providing him with the alerts and maps he would need.  And, now we wait.  New Brunswick Police have been briefed, and have already done 'drive-bys.'  Our detective had reached out to some of the "gold for cash" shops in the area.  And, we're really just waiting to see who walks outside with our dog on our leash.

In the meantime, we are posting fliers at police departments in English and Spanish.  Local news TV has been contacted to report the story.  We took an ad out on NJ.com and in the Star Ledger with a picture of Pepper.  And we wait and pray that someone will be half as kind to Pepper as we were...seeing that she gets fed...and water...and treated well, until she can be returned to us.  If you have any connections in the New Brunswick greater area, please share our story.  Share our FaceBook post.  Help us bring it to light that, what we want more than anything else, is just the return of our dog...our family member.

The Bitter End

I’m officially off crutches.  That’s nice.  Every day I get a little stronger and can sustain longer periods without needing to consult Dr. Advil or Nurse Tylenol.  That said, it was an interesting run as a temporarily disabled individual and it made me realize that some people without disabilities are jerks to those with.  OK, that’s a gross generalization, but hear me out. 

Now, I’m a dude who’s known to joke a whole lot.  Positive attitude + smiles and logic gets you what you need/want to get through a day.  I can take a joke…especially when it’s good.  As soon as I returned to the office, certain staffers consistently referred to me as “hop-along.”  Ha ha, I get it.  I’ve got crutches and they make noise when I use them, so you always know I’m coming.  And, I have to pass the same offices in order to use the only quasi-ADA-compatible (Americans with Disabilities Act) bathroom in my building.  Fine.  I get it.  Not a good joke, but, I understand why you say it.  I smile.  I used crutches from the beginning of April through to the second week of June, over 2 months.  And, every time I passed these co-workers, I got a comment: “Hop-along’s coming” or “there’s Hop-along.”  Funny…for the first or second time it was said.  After that, and for the better part of 2 months, it was downright fucking stupid.  It got to the point where I was fantasizing wrapping a crutch around the perpetrator’s neck.  I started my protest by immediately saying, in a perfectly straight/annoyed face, “that’s not my name.”  Then, I ignored them all together, even when they were using the epithet to ask me something about work. 

I’m glad to say that my new-found mobility freedom has once and for all killed the hop-along mentions.  Urge to kill has dwindled down to normal levels (no beer and no TV make Herb something something).  The comments now are more about how I’m “sneaking up” on my co-workers.  Yes, just like all other able-bodied colleagues in the office, I can now approach you without the steady report of metal on metal gnashing announcing my presence.  Here’s to hoping that joke dies and early death.

Regardless, the whole crutch thing made me hyper-aware of ADA facilities that weren’t up to par: restroom paper towels were placed too far from the sinks in my office, and the faucets are not ADA compliant; the main steps of the local high school where I teach photo classes didn’t have hand-rails and the handicapped auto-doors were disabled after hours; wet floor signs should also say “holy shit if you don’t hit this right with your crutch you are going to fall down and break your ass…again,”  especially in county buildings where I needed to go to renew my passport.  Little things like that would go a long way in making it easier for someone with a disability to get around.  The list is hardly complete, but it’s a good time to think about your sense of humor about the disabled, and what we can do (small steps) to make their day a bit more comfortable.  And, remember, I can make disparaging cracks/jokes about me, but when you do it, unprovoked, I want to punch you in the face (cue Pharrell Williams, “Happy “).

A Beretta Burrito Please

I’m a bit divided.  On one hand, I wanted to tell you that, when describing my ramen experience (complete with 1000 year old duck egg) to the sushi chef Sara and I frequently go to, he said, “You want it?  I’ll make it for you.”  Drizzled with sesame oil and garnished with ginger, it was amazing, totally tempered the potentially off-putting, sulfuric smell sometimes associated with the fermented egg. 

However, Instead of something as joyous as that…I think I need to rant about gun control (cue rolling of the eyes).  I know I’m not the only one, and certainly I don’t have any answers, but I can’t help but imagine there’s a way to either enforce our existing gun control laws or establish new ones where these psychotic and deadly outbursts are somewhat curbed and reduced.

It’s not enough to say that, due to the prevalence of media and easy access of news there’s a degree of over-reporting.  True, as our world gets smaller due to our connectivity, we will likely be aware of issues in corners of this globe we never imagined.  Still, the outrage that was Columbine, and then Sandy Hook, CT, hasn’t really hit home.  The statistic in the news media is that there have been 74 shootings since the Sandy Hook incident.  Holy shit!  And, while 74 is a relatively small sample size of our population who are insane/misunderstood/misdiagnosed enough to violently act out like this, try conceptualizing the number of impacted individuals. 

Let’s take Sandy Hook, which had 456 children enrolled there between kindergarten and fourth grade.  Each student has at least one parent, most likely two, who are responsible for their being there.  Let’s say that there are 1.75 parents for each student.  That equates to 798 individuals, plus the 456 for a total of 1,254 students and families at the very least.  Add teachers and staff and you’re quickly approaching around 1,300 victims…at least, especially when enrollment at Columbine is closer to 1,700, and UCSB, in 2012, had an enrollment of 21,000!  From these three incidents alone, using similar formula to show order of magnitude, that’s roughly 65,000 victims.

OK, Herb, that’s enough, and definitely an extreme.  Fine, but don’t tell me that each of those students weren’t potentially impacted by the events that happened there.  Bullshit.  More math: taking those as small/medium/large, and using them as the “average,” over the course of 74 shootings, you’re talking about over 1.6 million victims.   But, Herb, you say, your sensationalist take on how many impacted people there are is, well, sensational.  I’ll apologize.  As most of that number is heavily influenced by UCSB, I’ll cop to being sensational.  However, in 2013, there were 31,205 students enrolled at Virginia Tech…so I think that my numbers are, at least logical.

OK, so fine, what does it mean?  Regardless of where you stand on gun control laws, the number of affected people is so incredibly large, that it REQUIRES us to pay attention to it.  It’s half a percent of the population of the United States and roughly the population of the City of Philadelphia (2012 Census).  This is not insignificant. 

And, what are we doing about it?  Dip-shit-squat.  Yet, when 13 people die due to known vehicle ignition malfunctions, GM recalls 2.6 million cars, is ordered to pay a paltry $35 million fine, and will be answering many lawsuits and questions in the coming months.  CBS is reporting that GM recalled more cars in 2014 than it sold in the last 5 years! 

People, where is your outrage???  When your product is so dysfunctional that it impacts the lives of over 1.6 million people, when is something going to be done?  WHY ARE WE NOT FIXING THE GUN PROBLEM?  Fine, right to keep and bear arms, you win, and it’s constitutional.  Then let’s beef up background checks.  Nothing to hide?  Great, here’s your gun, complete with a fingerprint ID safety.  Have it Bluetooth to your iPhone 5s!  Let’s go people!  Please, Mr. Hunter, explain why, when hunting deer, you need a rapid fire, semi-automatic weapon to get the job done with a large capacity clip.  Do you suck at hunting that much?  Please, I understand hunting.  I’ve eaten venison, moose, bison, elk, etc.  I get it.  Meat is damn delicious, but lead gets stuck in my teeth.  So, before you get this AK-47 assault rifle, we just want to know that you’re mentally fit to handle this weapon.  Shit, you have to take a sit-down exam and a moving/driving exam…and need to pass both to drive a car!  For a gun license in NJ, it’s all paperwork and a supposed background check.  Please make sure you check off the box for “not crazy” before you submit.

This isn’t a tirade about gun control, but something must be done to stop these tragedies before they start.  Human interaction during an exam is one way.  Someone should be responsible for signing off on your ability to carry a weapon...and be held responsible when a gross error is made.  I’m not entirely sure why it’s harder to get a driving license these days.  While dangerous, the express purpose of the vehicle is to transport you from A to B.  Sure, it can be used as a weapon, but so can a lacrosse stick, and a butter knife.  And, I guess there are more cars in the public eye than guns…well, until those idiots started wearing them to Target, Walmart and Chipotle. 

Of course I think we need to be able to defend ourselves against an oppressive government.  Never again (even though the last time we needed to do that was 1865)!  Right?  However, I’ve got a recommendation: put down your firearms and start fighting the inequities of government the more modern way: DDOS (Denial of Service attacks) and hacking.  Far less people will die when FaceBook or Whitehouse.gov goes offline…I promise you.  

http://www.vox.com/2014/6/10/5797306/map-school-shooting-sandy-hook