Over the last month, momentum has picked up by my classmates who graduated with me in 1993 from high school, to hold a 25th anniversary reunion. I got invited by some of the FaceBook group organizers to join the group so that I didn't miss out on planning updates. It was kind of exciting to see familiar faces (albeit older) file in to this virtual meeting place, many of them I hadn't friended either because we weren't close in high school, or because I just forgot that they were part of my life for four years.
I would like to think I got along with most of my classmates even though I was a year younger than the majority of them. The thought of reconnecting in the real world was both intriguing and scary. Is this something I would like to do? I keep in decent touch with a number of friends from that time in my life thanks to FaceBook, so I don't really feel like I don't make an effort. This reunion would just, potentially, increase the number of people "friending" me, but probably wouldn't amount to any significant reconnections.
And then, today, there was a post about a boy who died while we were in school together. If I remember correctly, the story was that he was in a car, filled with others our age, being driven by a teenager, that was speeding down a road until it hit a speed bump and launched itself into a phone pole. And that was that. I don't remember if the other boys died too. I do remember him though. Why? He bullied me terribly my freshman year, specifically in gym class. As I said, I was smaller and younger than most around me. I tried to avoid him, but when he and his friends needed a laugh, they would "catch" me and put me into any number of WWF wrestling moves: suplex, body slam, etc. on the mats in the weight room. It was extremely painful, and relentless for about four consecutive weeks when the teacher allowed students to do free lifting, largely unsupervised.
The post today spoke about honoring him with a tribute at the reunion. At least 30 or so people in this FB group immediately wrote about how much they missed him...and how many good times they had with him in elementary, middle school and high school. All I can think about is how horrible he was to me and how I haven't gotten over the abuse I took during that relatively short time where our paths crossed. I've mentioned this story to two or three others who knew us both over the years, but never had any real need to take it further than that. I mean, the place in the Venn diagram where this information is even relevant is so infinitesimally small that there was (nearly) literally no one who could relate. Until now.
Instinct is screaming for me to write how negatively he impacted my life and my memories of him in that group. Luckily, judgement is keeping me from writing anything ill of the long deceased. What good would it do? I'm sure I'm not the only one who he treated like this. Writing that group with my thoughts would clearly alienate me amongst the group. Any tribute to this boy at our reunion is enough to keep me away from it...and that's probably what I will wind up doing. FaceBook has facilitated my ability to rebuild connections with the people I cared about in high school. For those not on FB, I've also re-found long lost friends on Instagram and Linked-In. I don't need this reunion. I don't need those memories.
And, this must be what it feels like for all of those women who have come out indicating that they too were assaulted. In my case, it's really easy to justify staying quiet. My aggressor has long been dead. For the women coming out and indicating that they were unfairly taken advantage of, the public court of judgement is still out. The potential for ridicule and embarrassment is tremendous. I didn't intentionally write this post so that it could tie in to what is happening now, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt that there was overlap. What many of those women have experienced is magnitudes more severe than what happened to me, and we as a society need to be addressing this with open ears and open minds.
This isn't to say that you should immediately believe everything you hear. However, ask yourself "by coming forward with their stories, what is it that they hope to gain?" For me, I just wanted the people who are actively eulogizing this boy to know that there was another side, a side that inflicted both physical and emotional scars that have lasted 25 years. I want them to understand. However, it's not like I could get him removed from the group or fired or prosecuted. I just wanted them to know my story, my experience, before they make up their minds...just as the majority of woman who have been coming forward with "allegations" of sexual assault. They aren't doing so for financial or political gain. They just want you to know about their experience with people who get off on hurting others with their power. Whether it's their physical size, or the position they hold, these power-play acts are unacceptable.
Due to a peripherally related unfortunate event, I feel strongly that these stories need to be told and that society needs to right itself and breed out the brutal machinations and patterns of abuse. I, for one, am listening.
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