Here's the thing...

Here's the thing: I'm not really sure what I'm doing here or what I should write about.  I should start by stating, frequently, people say "Hey, you write some pretty funny shit, you should put it on paper," or, "man, have you ever considered doing 'stand-up'? You'd be a riot."  Now, that's some huge ego boost.  But I know me.  I know what I know and what I don't.  I'm funny in situations with an extremely familiar audience.  I can make fun of your clothes or the line you just said that proves you're the missing link between neanderthal and homo-sapiens.  And, it's funny for two reasons: 1. we're all in on the inside joke, and 2. you're not bright enough to get that I'm making fun of you as I'm doing it.  And, by the time you do: too late.  Granted, it's not always the case, and I poke enough fun at my own short-comings that it evens everything out, but I believe that comedy can be defined as "someone else's misfortune."  You are 100% of the time laughing at someone or something that has it worse than you do.  Properly timed, it's funny, especially when the audience is in on the gag, and everyone is together pointing at some poor schmuck like you...sucker.

An example: I work in state government.  Government worker jokes go a long way...to other government workers.  Do you really want to hear a state employee joke?  No, no you don't.  I'm telling you that you don't.  Stop arguing with me.  The problem?  You're on the outside, it wouldn't make sense, and by the time I explained it to you, the moment's passed and it's simply not funny anymore.  I get it.  You, on the other hand, would probably find technology jokes mirthful.  Why?  Because I already know that you're reading this on a computer or cell phone or tablet.  Know your audience.  So you merge the two: there's this imbecile in my office who doesn't know how to use even the most basic of programs.  And, rather than do the work, he/she would rather tell you how their machine is broken, the program doesn't work, he/she gets an error message, etc.  Typical state employee that doesn't give a shit and do their job.  I get the call to come and help, and just as it's demonstrated during a couple of shitty seasons of SNL, it's two clicks of the mouse and whatever was broken magically works again.  But, I acknowledge that it was probably another one of those PEBCAK errors that plagues the system.  She's satisfied with the answer and we go on our way. 

PEBCAK - Problem exists between chair and keyboard. 

Any comedy professional (and I'm not one) will tell you that writing and re-writing with major edits is the only way to nail timing and verbiage to make the joke land every time.  It takes practice.  So, I tell the same joke over and over again with slight variations, constantly improving and modifying until it comes out funny every time...much to my wife's chagrin.   I'll say this, she puts up with the telling and re-telling of a joke pretty well.  It's not my fault we're frequently together.  And, when I hear something funny, I want to share it.  This means that every separate friend group gets a telling; my wife is there for all of them, and I get the look.  I don't have to explain the look.  You know the look; the look that says: "You shouldn't be telling dick jokes to my grandmother."  Hey, but it was funny!  And, besides, I guarantee that your grandma has heard more dick jokes than I will ever remember. It's true.  Do you honestly think that people were so PC during the 40s and 50s?  Hell, they came up with SNAFU and FUBAR and made them common acronyms!  Besides, the reason your grandma is laughing is because it's funny as hell.  She owes me nothing.  We're already married so the charade of niceties is long in the past. 

Still, maybe she's buttering me up so that I will either a) come over to change her light bulb, or b) continue to bring our kids over so that Great Grandma can spoil them.  Hell, I don't care as long as she laughs.  I'm fairly short-sighted that way.  The other thing is that there's no such thing as a new joke.  She's also laughing because it's similar to the way she heard it in Yiddish, or at a mahjong tournament, or playing canasta (yes, they still do that).  I will be absolutely honest with you: dick jokes in Yiddish are hysterical. 

So, first blog post done.  I can't guarantee what the subject will be, just that it will be interesting to me...something to rant about.  Some will be short, some will be long...you get the picture.  I'll leave you with this joke, and hopefully you'll read more later on.  I've got to find a niche to make this thing work and keep it interesting.  As I re-read this I'm bored already, but I promise that it'll get better.  Anyway, here's the joke:

Ethel turns to her friend and says, "Did you know that Sadie, Esther and I went to Club Med last week?"
"Yah, you mentioned it."
"Well, you'll never guess what happened, we ended up on the nude beach!  And a man, naked as the day he was born, walked right up to us, waving his schvantz"
"Really?  What did you do?"
"Well, immediately, Sadie had a stroke...then Esther had a stroke..."
"And you?"
"Me?  I wouldn't touch that thing."

I told you...grandma loves a good dick joke.