Technology FTW

Let me start with, life doesn't suck.  I'm down in Aruba with my family...drinking beer, and thinking about how to distract Belgian fans by throwing waffles at them during the next US game of the World Cup on Tuesday.  (For those playing the home game, yes, I bought small waffle cookies so that we can eat'em and beat'em). 

That said, I want to wrap up from last week...and, answer some of the questions that have been repeatedly posed to me about the incident without getting too deep in the details.

First, as you know, and most of Facebook and NJ knows, my parents dog, Pepper, has been returned.  Turns out, as I surmised, the "alleged" criminals weren't smart, and what led to their capture/incarceration, was, ultimately, their stupidity (not "alleged").  That said, a couple of tricks with technology made all the difference, and, I believe, grossly shortened the entire experience:

One, register your iDevices.  Apple, in its infinite wisdom, makes things pretty easy for you.  With your single Apple ID, the associated devices can be located using iOS 7+ location services.  How?  Using iCloud.com, you can enter your Apple ID and password, and, if the router you're using has an associated address (and if you're using a TV company's router, it likely does), Apple will show you on a street grid where those devices are.  Go ahead, try it.  I'll wait.  That goes for iPads, iPhones, Mackbooks, iMacs...the entire family of devices, wifi and 3G.  Even when they are off/offline, you can set those devices to play a sound, lock, or erase once they reconnect to the internet.  Our "alleged" moronic friends decided to try to access the iPad's internet at 7pm last Tuesday in an apartment complex in New Brunswick.  Police were dispatched and, while they couldn't logistically go door to door in the entire complex, they, smartly, recorded license plates of all the vehicles in the parking lot.

A couple of notes about that.  People notoriously don't lock their wifi, allowing neighbors to jump on without much notice.  Logistically, even if the PoPo found the apartment with the wifi, it wasn't necessarily going to be the one with the stolen merch.  And, the electronics could have been fenced/sold by that point to someone other than the ones who had the puppy.  In hindsight, I believe that the detectives, knowing their business, did the right thing.  More on that later.  Two hours after the iPad pinged, the laptop did as well.  Same lot.  Same complex.  Same "alleged" morons.

Secondly, it made sense that, before too much time passed, it was time to enlist help.  That's where you came in.  In addition to posting to my wall, I also hit some FaceBook pages, the largest of which was the NJ SPCA with over 56,000 likes.  In a couple of hours, we had 300 shares...which was very encouraging, because each of those people, on average, had a minimum 100 friends.  Now, boom, I'm no mathematician, but that's people, and moreso, people I am not FB friends with.  So, new people, and NJ people.  A step in the right direction.

Also, a slow day in NY News maybe?  But, I private messaged NY's local NBC, Fox, and ABC affiliates (I'll never recognize CBS as a real station...kidding, kinda?).  Minutes after I posted, NBC wrote me back asking for a phone number.  I gave, they called, and in 5 minutes, Roseanne Colletti was on her way to my mom's house.  None of the others called, but who cares, we were going to get the story on the news!  Thanks FaceBook!  The number of shares was growing by the hour, up to around 500 on NJ SPCA.

Story was given, and the news report kicked the effort into high gear.  The police department's press release reached all of the...uh...press, and the story ran in nearly every NJ paper and crossed media platforms: 101.5fm, CBSfm, 1010 WINS...and, two other networks (if you call Verizon 1 a network) were on their way to interview my mom for TV.  Even the SF Gate carried the story! 

Now, when you're an "alleged" criminal, and the dog that's running around your apartment matches, exactly, the description running on the news, AND, the map shows the parking lot where your car is parked...maybe it's time to give up the ghost...uh, dog.  When the "alleged" morons drove the dog to the vet, two days after the abduction, the plates of the car matched those that were "allegedly" in the parking lot the night the iPad and MacBook sang out.  The police, in plain clothes, were there, at the vet, with my mom, ahead of the "alleged" morons.  Dog returned; people taken back to Franklin Police HQ in the back seat of some very comfortable Crown Vics, and car was towed for further investigative review.

When it was all said and done, and I was told by the authorities that I could thank everyone for their help, there was over 2,500 shares on NJ SPCA alone and the location of the electronics was revealed to the police.  SUCCESS!  The lessons learned I think are obvious, but bear repeating, learn how to use your electronics.  Kill switch software will soon be ubiquitous across all portable media, so it pays to read the occasional blog, or visit the manufacturers store (Apple or Microsoft) to figure out how to use it.  Second, trust the police.  While at first it seemed like they were working slowly, eventually their tactics were completely appropriate and contributed greatly to the resolution.  There's still a bit of departure between equipment manufacturers and the authorities, but that gap gets narrower every day.  And three, trust that your cause is worthwhile and turn to your friends.  Suggestions of how to get the word out digitally came from so many friends on FB.  And, while we can't thank you all, know that the community is how this thing came together.  So, thanks again.  Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a drink with a fancy little umbrella calling my name. 

Losing Faith in Humanity

I'll keep this brief:

Yesterday, between the hours of 1pm and 3pm while my mom was shopping at Target, burglars entered the house I grew up at, rifled through my family's jewelery boxes, took rings and earrings, ipad and macbook, and then decided to take my mothers puppy.

That's right, the thieves took my mom's dog.  I don't have words, and our whole family is beside itself with grief.  How could someone be so brazen?  Why would they take her?  That's our pet!  Imprinted on us!  Who would do such a thing.

Franklin Township (Somerset, NJ) police are on the job.  Officers and detectives took descriptions of everything, and, yes, a description of the dog.  The RFID company that manages the microchip database has been put on alert that she's been stolen.  Any vet who scans her will immediately be

As a technophile, I armed the "lock" feature on both the laptop and ipad should someone attempt to access the internet with them.  Sure enough, at 7pm, the iPad triggered the alarm and locked up.  A map was e-mailed to my mom's account, and I was able to see the location as well using iCloud.com.  E-mail and map image were texted/sent to the detective on call, and they went to the location.  Because this was triggered by wifi access, a precise location is all but impossible, especially since it showed that the device was in a condominium complex...3 miles away from my parent's house, in New Brunswick. 

Officers went to the scene and observed.  TV teaches us that without a warrant and specific location information, it would be difficult to ascertain which condo was the one we would be interested in.  Instead, they noted the only wifi signal that was broadcasting, and took the license plate numbers of all parked cars so that they could confer with New Brunswick Police to see if there are any repeat offenders living there.

Then, at 10pm, the laptop alarm went off.  Sure enough, same location.  Again we contacted the detective on duty providing him with the alerts and maps he would need.  And, now we wait.  New Brunswick Police have been briefed, and have already done 'drive-bys.'  Our detective had reached out to some of the "gold for cash" shops in the area.  And, we're really just waiting to see who walks outside with our dog on our leash.

In the meantime, we are posting fliers at police departments in English and Spanish.  Local news TV has been contacted to report the story.  We took an ad out on NJ.com and in the Star Ledger with a picture of Pepper.  And we wait and pray that someone will be half as kind to Pepper as we were...seeing that she gets fed...and water...and treated well, until she can be returned to us.  If you have any connections in the New Brunswick greater area, please share our story.  Share our FaceBook post.  Help us bring it to light that, what we want more than anything else, is just the return of our dog...our family member.

The Bitter End

I’m officially off crutches.  That’s nice.  Every day I get a little stronger and can sustain longer periods without needing to consult Dr. Advil or Nurse Tylenol.  That said, it was an interesting run as a temporarily disabled individual and it made me realize that some people without disabilities are jerks to those with.  OK, that’s a gross generalization, but hear me out. 

Now, I’m a dude who’s known to joke a whole lot.  Positive attitude + smiles and logic gets you what you need/want to get through a day.  I can take a joke…especially when it’s good.  As soon as I returned to the office, certain staffers consistently referred to me as “hop-along.”  Ha ha, I get it.  I’ve got crutches and they make noise when I use them, so you always know I’m coming.  And, I have to pass the same offices in order to use the only quasi-ADA-compatible (Americans with Disabilities Act) bathroom in my building.  Fine.  I get it.  Not a good joke, but, I understand why you say it.  I smile.  I used crutches from the beginning of April through to the second week of June, over 2 months.  And, every time I passed these co-workers, I got a comment: “Hop-along’s coming” or “there’s Hop-along.”  Funny…for the first or second time it was said.  After that, and for the better part of 2 months, it was downright fucking stupid.  It got to the point where I was fantasizing wrapping a crutch around the perpetrator’s neck.  I started my protest by immediately saying, in a perfectly straight/annoyed face, “that’s not my name.”  Then, I ignored them all together, even when they were using the epithet to ask me something about work. 

I’m glad to say that my new-found mobility freedom has once and for all killed the hop-along mentions.  Urge to kill has dwindled down to normal levels (no beer and no TV make Herb something something).  The comments now are more about how I’m “sneaking up” on my co-workers.  Yes, just like all other able-bodied colleagues in the office, I can now approach you without the steady report of metal on metal gnashing announcing my presence.  Here’s to hoping that joke dies and early death.

Regardless, the whole crutch thing made me hyper-aware of ADA facilities that weren’t up to par: restroom paper towels were placed too far from the sinks in my office, and the faucets are not ADA compliant; the main steps of the local high school where I teach photo classes didn’t have hand-rails and the handicapped auto-doors were disabled after hours; wet floor signs should also say “holy shit if you don’t hit this right with your crutch you are going to fall down and break your ass…again,”  especially in county buildings where I needed to go to renew my passport.  Little things like that would go a long way in making it easier for someone with a disability to get around.  The list is hardly complete, but it’s a good time to think about your sense of humor about the disabled, and what we can do (small steps) to make their day a bit more comfortable.  And, remember, I can make disparaging cracks/jokes about me, but when you do it, unprovoked, I want to punch you in the face (cue Pharrell Williams, “Happy “).

A Beretta Burrito Please

I’m a bit divided.  On one hand, I wanted to tell you that, when describing my ramen experience (complete with 1000 year old duck egg) to the sushi chef Sara and I frequently go to, he said, “You want it?  I’ll make it for you.”  Drizzled with sesame oil and garnished with ginger, it was amazing, totally tempered the potentially off-putting, sulfuric smell sometimes associated with the fermented egg. 

However, Instead of something as joyous as that…I think I need to rant about gun control (cue rolling of the eyes).  I know I’m not the only one, and certainly I don’t have any answers, but I can’t help but imagine there’s a way to either enforce our existing gun control laws or establish new ones where these psychotic and deadly outbursts are somewhat curbed and reduced.

It’s not enough to say that, due to the prevalence of media and easy access of news there’s a degree of over-reporting.  True, as our world gets smaller due to our connectivity, we will likely be aware of issues in corners of this globe we never imagined.  Still, the outrage that was Columbine, and then Sandy Hook, CT, hasn’t really hit home.  The statistic in the news media is that there have been 74 shootings since the Sandy Hook incident.  Holy shit!  And, while 74 is a relatively small sample size of our population who are insane/misunderstood/misdiagnosed enough to violently act out like this, try conceptualizing the number of impacted individuals. 

Let’s take Sandy Hook, which had 456 children enrolled there between kindergarten and fourth grade.  Each student has at least one parent, most likely two, who are responsible for their being there.  Let’s say that there are 1.75 parents for each student.  That equates to 798 individuals, plus the 456 for a total of 1,254 students and families at the very least.  Add teachers and staff and you’re quickly approaching around 1,300 victims…at least, especially when enrollment at Columbine is closer to 1,700, and UCSB, in 2012, had an enrollment of 21,000!  From these three incidents alone, using similar formula to show order of magnitude, that’s roughly 65,000 victims.

OK, Herb, that’s enough, and definitely an extreme.  Fine, but don’t tell me that each of those students weren’t potentially impacted by the events that happened there.  Bullshit.  More math: taking those as small/medium/large, and using them as the “average,” over the course of 74 shootings, you’re talking about over 1.6 million victims.   But, Herb, you say, your sensationalist take on how many impacted people there are is, well, sensational.  I’ll apologize.  As most of that number is heavily influenced by UCSB, I’ll cop to being sensational.  However, in 2013, there were 31,205 students enrolled at Virginia Tech…so I think that my numbers are, at least logical.

OK, so fine, what does it mean?  Regardless of where you stand on gun control laws, the number of affected people is so incredibly large, that it REQUIRES us to pay attention to it.  It’s half a percent of the population of the United States and roughly the population of the City of Philadelphia (2012 Census).  This is not insignificant. 

And, what are we doing about it?  Dip-shit-squat.  Yet, when 13 people die due to known vehicle ignition malfunctions, GM recalls 2.6 million cars, is ordered to pay a paltry $35 million fine, and will be answering many lawsuits and questions in the coming months.  CBS is reporting that GM recalled more cars in 2014 than it sold in the last 5 years! 

People, where is your outrage???  When your product is so dysfunctional that it impacts the lives of over 1.6 million people, when is something going to be done?  WHY ARE WE NOT FIXING THE GUN PROBLEM?  Fine, right to keep and bear arms, you win, and it’s constitutional.  Then let’s beef up background checks.  Nothing to hide?  Great, here’s your gun, complete with a fingerprint ID safety.  Have it Bluetooth to your iPhone 5s!  Let’s go people!  Please, Mr. Hunter, explain why, when hunting deer, you need a rapid fire, semi-automatic weapon to get the job done with a large capacity clip.  Do you suck at hunting that much?  Please, I understand hunting.  I’ve eaten venison, moose, bison, elk, etc.  I get it.  Meat is damn delicious, but lead gets stuck in my teeth.  So, before you get this AK-47 assault rifle, we just want to know that you’re mentally fit to handle this weapon.  Shit, you have to take a sit-down exam and a moving/driving exam…and need to pass both to drive a car!  For a gun license in NJ, it’s all paperwork and a supposed background check.  Please make sure you check off the box for “not crazy” before you submit.

This isn’t a tirade about gun control, but something must be done to stop these tragedies before they start.  Human interaction during an exam is one way.  Someone should be responsible for signing off on your ability to carry a weapon...and be held responsible when a gross error is made.  I’m not entirely sure why it’s harder to get a driving license these days.  While dangerous, the express purpose of the vehicle is to transport you from A to B.  Sure, it can be used as a weapon, but so can a lacrosse stick, and a butter knife.  And, I guess there are more cars in the public eye than guns…well, until those idiots started wearing them to Target, Walmart and Chipotle. 

Of course I think we need to be able to defend ourselves against an oppressive government.  Never again (even though the last time we needed to do that was 1865)!  Right?  However, I’ve got a recommendation: put down your firearms and start fighting the inequities of government the more modern way: DDOS (Denial of Service attacks) and hacking.  Far less people will die when FaceBook or Whitehouse.gov goes offline…I promise you.  

http://www.vox.com/2014/6/10/5797306/map-school-shooting-sandy-hook
 

NJ June Massacre

As many of you know, my trip to New Orleans for JazzFest was trumped by my need to stay home and heal from bone breakage.  To make up for it, we promised ourselves that we would not miss the annual Crawfish Festival held in Sussex County at the beginning of June.  And, true to form, last Saturday, day 1 of the festival, was awesome. 

First, the weather.  You can’t plan for it.  We’ve been there in years when the temperature hit 90 degrees easily.  The first year we went, we did so without knowledge of traditions and we were terribly unprepared.  On the way there, I had to stop at a Marshall’s to get a pair of shorts.  That said, this year, it was 71 degrees with a breeze and mostly sunny skies.  Perfect.

To do Crawfish Fest right, you need to BYOS…bring your own shade.  After that first year, I found a portable tent for $30 at Walmart, and we’ve since gotten fantastic use out of it.  I think we’ve used it at least 10 times.  Rubber mallet is packed semi-permanently with it so that we can hammer in the stakes to keep it from blowing away.  Two blankets, two adult chairs and two kids chairs later, and we were set.  Marcia Ball was up next and the smell of Cajun cooking was high in the air.  Time to eat.

It’s a difficult choice.  Sara immediately went for the crawfish bread…similar to pepperoni bread complete with cheese and mud-bug tails.  She also brought me a tray of boiled crawfish, potatoes and corn on the cob.  Just as good as ever.  This is the massacre part…they truck in thousands of live crawfish for this event and boil them on site in these enormous boiling vats.  When the timer dings, they winch the crawfish up and literally (not figuratively) shovel them out into trays for waiting patrons.  

 

Courtesy of Andrea J. Bartholomew Photography and the Michael Arnone Crawfish Festival

The true way to eat them is fairly simple: gently twist the tail off…suck the heads, and then pinch/squeeze the meat from the underside/bottom of the tail until it separates slightly and then just pop it into your mouth. 

Real men suck the heads. 

Band changed, and next up was the Raw Oyster Cult…kind of a New Orleans supergroup of bands we’ve come to know from getting to the Big Easy periodically: Radiators, Papa Grows Funk, and Johnny Sketch and the Dirty Notes.  Fantastic set which included a Cajun version of the Dead’s “Morning Dew.”  I’m sold.  Where’s the CDs at?

Then I hobbled over to catch the end of Bonerama’s set.  There’s nothing more powerful than a 4-trombone front.  In addition to originals like “Shake your Rugalator”, they also kick ass at covers including “Gimme Shelter” and “The Ocean.”  Trombones rule!

More music needs more food.  As the kids were demolishing a plate of chicken nuggets and fries, I head out to find more grub.  Passing on the alligator sausage (mixed with ground pork for extra flavored goodness) and the chicken/sausage jambalaya I decided to hit the critters again.  Hello crawfish etouffee.  It’s like a roux-based (browned flour oil and butter) crawfish stew…rich and buttery, with veggies and okra, typically served over rice.  That said, this one was passable, and certainly appropriate for a festival crowd: tasty, especially with the addition of some Crystal Hot Sauce. 

 

Courtesy of Andrea J. Bartholomew Photography and the Michael Arnone Crawfish Festival

Finally, as the Funky Meters took the stage, the question request was for ice cream.  After reviewing the lines, it was apparent that we could stand there for another day before we got to the front.  The concession was perfect in that it was thematic, and that Jude agreed to it: beignets.  Is there anything better than fried dough?  In addition to the dumpling, this fritter-esque pastry has siblings all over the world including Italian Zeppoles and Pennsylvania Dutch Funnel Cake.  Still delicious any way you cut it, and the perfect ending to a fantastic day out. 

If you have the ability to get to Northern New Jersey next June, it’s a must see, and the most unique festival I’ve been to in the Garden State.