RSN

FADE IN:

THE NEWSROOM STUDIO

Intro music is up-tempo and “exciting.”

Typical sports desk.  Loud lighting and continuous score ticker on the bottom scrolling throughout.  Our hosts are at the desk, both facing camera 1 with “green screen” behind them showing logo of the league and other station-specific graphics. It’s game day!

Bud RotCrotch

Hello, I’m Bud Rotcrotch here with Sam Stinkfinger on Racist Sports Net.  Tonight on RSN we’re going to preview all the games, give you the names and call out the shame!

Sam Stinkfinger

That’s right, Bud.  First, let’s start with the Boston Micks at the New York Heebs.  Tonight, as is traditional, the Heebs will be wearing the home-field white with blue stripes, and helmets complete with black yarmulke and payot.  The Micks will be in all green and gold, as is the leprechaun’s tradition.

Bud

Funny little guys.  Ha.  Anyway, big game for the Heebs as they’ve come off 18 self-depricating losses.  That’s just bad luck!

Sam

You bet it is.  Quarterback Ishmael Schnirson isn’t the athlete his mom wanted him to be.  Actually, word has it, she had him pegged as a doctor or a lawyer.  Regardless, it seems that he’s barely accurate past 8 yds from scrimmage.  That’s going to be a problem for them tonight as the Irish will come out fighting.

Bud

Well, at least for the first half.  Typical of the Micks, they’re extremely aggressive during the first 30 minutes of play, but by the second half, most of them are trying to sleep it off.  Just what are they putting in that water cooler?  I’d bet even money that they’re stone drunk by the middle of the 3^rd.  Makes it really hard to win games.

Sam

You can say that again, for Boston to win, they really need to not start drinking until AFTER halftime!

Bud

That may be hard to do as, just like all Heebs home games, at halftime there will be a briss on the 50.  The Manischewitz will be flowing tonight!  Let’s hope the mohel drinks after he makes the cut!

Sam

Ouch, that’ll leave a mark!

Bud

Let’s move to San Diego now where the home-town Border-crossers will face the Kentucky Ass-Backward Bumpkins.  What do you think, Sam?  Will the Bumpkins be able to get that wall up in time?

Sam

That’s what they keep talking about every week, but as we know from their 7-1 record, the Border-crossers are persistent, wall or no wall.  When they want something, they just keep coming for it!  Their only big loss was last week in Arizona when half of the team got caught without their papers.  How do you say in Spanish “You Lose?”

Bud

I don’t know that, but I do know that the Bumpkins aren’t likely to win this game.  For one, they cheat like crazy.  Half of them are inbred or working on their 4^th marriage, and even when they’re assigned a position, some of them just refuse to do their job!  It’s amazing that this team gets re-elected year after year. 

Sam

I think it comes down to their coaching staff.  Real political bunch with deep pockets.  Doesn’t matter how insane they seem, the coaches seem to know just who to schmooze.

Bud

I’m not sure they’d use the term, “Schmooze,” Sam, too Jewish.

Sam

Good Catch.  OK, time to go to commercial.  [CUE MUSIC] When we come out of the break, we’re going to go to Washington where the Redskins have perpetual quarterback problems.

Bud

Oof, who thought of that name?  Anyway, more to come on the RSN, after this…

FADE OUT:

The End

Two K-oncerns

Two things of note.

1. Open letter to ShopRite of Chester, NJ.

Dear Manager of ShopRite, I have gone to lengths to expose the environmental nightmare which is the K-Cup, i.e. cups made and manufactured for the Keurig Coffee Machines.  Like countless generations of humans before me, I believe that the simple act of adding water to freshly ground coffee beans trumps the convenience of making a quick cup of coffee.  I’ve said this all before; not only is traditional brewing better tasting, it’s also far more environmentally friendly as you can always use a washable filter, and there’s no real garbage to speak of as the grounds have multiple household uses.  Insert diatribe about thousands of K-Cups reaching landfills and how they’re, generally, not able to be recycled easily.

To put a finer point on it, I prefer to grind my own coffee, or at least, have it ground shortly after the purchase of the beans.  Not having a grinder in my office necessitates that I use the machine frequently found in supermarkets, and absent that, I ask my local Barista at Starbucks to do a fresh-ground pound for me when I’m buying more. 

So, imagine my dismay as I learn that, not only is half the coffee aisle filled with boxes of K-Cups (which is mostly air in a box), but, of the “traditional” coffee, only one brand, The Organic Coffee Co., offers “whole-bean” coffee.  Every other bag of coffee is clearly marked “ground.”  This is problematic in two ways as we know that freshly ground coffee tastes better, and that pre-ground coffee is generally too finely ground to work well in french press units.  Still, the OCC is still really decent coffee (and speaks to my leftist coffee leanings), and when I brought it to the customer service counter asking where the grinder is, I was horrified to learn that the ShopRite in Chester, NJ does not have one.  Even the gentleman re-stocking the coffee shelves indicated that there used to be one, but it’s gone. 

I’ve never been to a supermarket without a coffee grinder before, and, as it turns out, ShopRite does have one, way back in the store, where freshly brewed coffee is served by the cup to supermarket patrons.  The irony is that, the grinder is used to make superior coffee for guests, but not known about/made available to patrons.  I don’t know why ShopRite has taken the position of not offering whole bean coffee as a rule, but I will say this…that the oversight clearly makes this market less super.

2. What the fuck is this!?!?!?!

Rev. Pig Pen Delivers the word of God

Many people will write about remembering 9/11, and while that’s worthy, I think we should do so with music.  I know that shortly after 9/11, I heard REM’s “Everybody Hurts” and to this day, when I hear that song, I immediately think of the Towers and aftermath.  It’s cliché, I know, but the words were true to me: “Sometimes, everything is wrong.”  Without air traffic in the US, skies were strangely quieter.  Like most, I displayed a small American flag on my car to show solidarity.  

In hindsight I can’t tell you that I questioned the, then president’s, decision to act militarily…but I remember wondering why Sikh Indians, and Hindus with Bindi were being harassed.  Where 9/11 was concerned, our ignorance continued as racial profiling became the rule of law.  Plans for the construction of a peaceful center for Islamic Prayer in Lower Manhattan was being blocked by religious zealots…why?  Blind generalizations, misunderstanding the facts, and belief that their goal was above the law, in this case planning and zoning. 

As the last week has demonstrated, based on the Supreme Court Ruling, the law says you can worship in your own way, as long as you’re not forcing your religious views onto others.  That said, you can choose to listen to the link below or not.  I find it uplifting and positive in this world where those qualities seem to be in short supply.  I’ll let the Reverend Pig Pen deliver his sermon from 1970, at the Filmore East, New York City.  But, in short, the message is this: “You broke my heart.  [but] turn on your light, let it shine on me.  Turn on your love light; let it shine on me.  Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.”  Love yourself enough to love another and act accordingly.