Well, there's no place like the Internet for the Holidays

I didn't post last week because of Thanksgiving.  And, I'm having real issue posting this week because I really would like to step away from the doom and gloom of everyday news: celebrities being outed as power-hungry misogynistic abusers, the President's off-color and off-base remarks, and the looming threat of a nuclear apocalypse.

No, this week I'd prefer to highlight gifts for the people in your life who have everything.  Note: these purchases, like so many others this holiday season, are completely unnecessary, but totally cool, and we need them!  So, without further ado, my wishlist:

You have a job.  You have kids or cats or dogs (or Hawaiian turtles).  You have a life, and life is hard.  You need to feed yourself, those things, and when you're done, you need to prep for the next day.  And you're tired.  Oh, so tired.  How many times have you started your bed-time clean-up ritual and accidentally taken too little or too much floss?  How much is the right amount?  Well, thank god there's something we can suction to our bathroom mirrors and put a battery in.  Yes, it's FLOSSTIME, the auto floss dispenser that you've been missing in your life.  Just press a button and you get the perfect amount of floss every time.  You can even decorate it with a cover of a small woodland animal so that it appeals to kids.  And, as it obstructs your view of the actual mirror, it stands as a reminder to press that button, tear the floss and commit to dental hygiene.  Never mind that their proprietary floss cartridges costs twice as much as what you can get at CVS...that you have to wait for them to deliver it.  How the hell do they know how much you'll need...for two people, for a family of four?  Never mind.  This is a stupid present.  Don't buy this for me.

Instead, I need this!  These days, scientists and doctors say your health depends on what you put in your mouth.  (Oh, those scientists and their theories.) Don't eat this.  Do eat that.  What's a modern family to do with all of the flood of do's and don'ts?  We need an easy source of protein.  One that's not fried or over-seasoned.  One that you can take on the go, and eat at nearly every meal.  What's like that?  How about, a hard-boiled incredible, edible egg!  Our family goes through at least two dozen eggs a week.  Typically, we hard-boil a dozen, and then keep a dozen for other eggy dishes such as omelettes, scrambles, and, maybe on the weekends, French toast!  But that takes time, and I need egg now! I need an egg on the go, and hard-boiled eggs are perfect for grabbing and snacking.  But, you say, aren't they too round?  I mean, they might roll onto the floor before you can eat it, and then it's a complete waste of an egg!  Enter the Eddington Egg Cuber!  Just put a freshly, hot, boiled egg into the cuber, set it in the fridge, and in 10 minutes, you too can have CUBED BOILED EGGS!  They don't roll.  It's tons of fun to freak out your kids, and, with one Egg Cuber for $12.99 on Amazon, you can cube an entire dozen eggs in 2 hours!  That's...that's terrible.  What the hell is wrong with people.  I've changed my mind.  This too is stupid.

I guess gift shopping is really hard, especially all of the moving your fingers need to do in order to get something from Amazon.  It's exhausting.  If only there was a way for me to nap comfortably at my desk.  It would have to be well cushioned, and help to darken my immediate environment.  I would also want space for my hands, and if I'm slumped over in my chair, I don't want to crush my nose...so there's got to be room for that too.  Well, friend, if these are your problems, and you know they are, look no further than the OSTRICHPILLOW!  Push your head up the narrow, um, neck line and, poof!  Instant darkness!  It's cushy.  It's got room for your mouth.  Perfect for the narcoleptic in your life.  Sleep at your desk at work!  Are you a student?  Sleep at the library while studying!  Bring it on the plane with you!  Never mind that it looks like a giant plush uterus!  Stick your head in there and get the best rest of your life for only $99!  And now, it comes in both Midnight Gray and Sleepy

Blue!   "Welcome to the napping revolution!" is their slogan, which seems a little ridiculous since, revolution implies action, and napping is, well...napping.  And if you don't want to wear something that makes you look like a stuffed cephalopod, they've got cushy mittens and gauntlets you can rest your weary head on so that you can laze off and nap that way.  I don't know.  I'm rethinking this, and I can't imagine carting around a $100 stuffed vagina to work or on the plane for a power nap.  I mean, as a valued employee, it's probably bad to advertise that I plan on drifting off during the work day.  Yeah, I guess this is kind of dumb too. 

I don't know.  I guess I need to re-think the logic of  gifts this year.  It's probably best to stick with something universally loved and at the same time, absolutely functional.  Something that serves a purpose but is stylish and current and something that the kids can relate to.  OK, forget all of the above, and just get me this.  Happy holiday shopping every one.  And remember, when in doubt, send cash.

Empower

I wasn't able to blog last week, and this week I'm feeling overwhelmed.  As you are already aware, I have an opinion.  This week it pertains to the litany of allegations against men in power by women who were placed in uncomfortable and compromising positions.  In the most recent examples, it's people who I've held in fairly high regard. 

To start, I was a huge fan of Louis C.K.  While people on the inside have been dealing with the rumors that he more-than-exposed himself to women, I wasn't aware.  Women who looked up to him and his success.  Me too.  I watched his FX show and sympathized with his real-world characters.  I watched his comedy specials and recommended the one where it's a conversation between him, Seinfeld, Chris Rock and Ricky Gervais and thought it was one of the best looks inside comedy I've ever seen.  And, Sara and I went to see him perform at the Newark PAC and thought he was hilarious.

Today, at least in my news feed, a picture of Senator Al Franken groping a female reporter during a USO trip to Afghanistan reared its ugly head.  As the now-Senator looks into the camera, grinning, his hands are outstretched towards her breasts in a suggestive act of inappropriate behaviour.  Why did he do this?  Clearly he knew it was wrong and thought it would be funny.  Did he actually touch her?  A closer examination of the photo suggests no as the shadows of his fingers are clearly visible on the one hand and the other is too far away to have made contact.  Honestly, I believe that, while this picture is not in good taste, it's not terribly incriminating for a man who made his living saying borderline inappropriate things for a laugh.  However, and this is huge, the victim in this photograph suggests that this act was far from the only questionable one Franken initiated.  By her count, he forcibly and inappropriately took advantage of a sketch they were performing where a kiss was written into the script. 

So, what to do now?  How does a consumer move forward knowing that the product is severely tainted?  Until recently, we didn't know how bad it was.

For those of us fans, it's a tough break.  I can't go back in time and question Franken's actions back-stage or actively campaign against him.  I can't get my money back or make the choice to turn off the TV when they were being interviewed on the Daily Show.  I can make the choice to avoid them in the future.  Why would I read Franken's book now that I know what I do about his motivations years ago?  I'm certainly not interested in a "fictional" Louis C.K. movie where a character exposes and then masturbates in front of other people.  How long did we shun Paul Reubens for masturbating in an adult theater?  That seems fairly pedestrian by comparison these days.

I suppose it's a reminder that our societal heroes are still people, people with deep faults.   And, when those faults are exposed for what they are, it's up to us to determine whether they're forgivable or not.  Certainly, as they admit the wrongdoing, we need to also focus on the blameless victims.  Make sure, though, to empower them rather than pity and label lest they fall victim to our collective societal apathy a second time.  As these things come to light, we also need to understand that the wrongdoing isn't legally punishable due to expired statutes of limitations.  Another reason to support these victims of sexual misconduct, physical and emotional abuse.  I believe you and I'm listening.

The Wrong Swamp

I have a bunch of disjointed thoughts this week, most of them political in nature, so bear with me.

Governor Christie, the Trump Administration's leading authority on the opioid crisis, had his commision released a report with 56 recommendations...and no budget.  This comes a week after, when questioned "where will the money come from for your soon-to-be-released program, the Governor said that Congress will be held accountable for appropriating money.  Don't you think, Governor, that it would be great if you hinted to how much that might be?  When I heard his statement, I knew then that this administration is, once again, all talk, no show on the opioid crisis.

Bump stocks, not only are they not yet illegal, but they're back in business, Baby!  According to Bloomberg, the devices that convert a semi-automatic weapon into a fully automatic weapon are for sale, and selling big.  Why wouldn't they be?  Well, thanks to delays in Congress actually doing something, advocates and would-be consumers are rushing to buy them before any anticipated legislation is passed.  By the way, due to the fact that a large number of legislators are in the NRA's back pockets, my prediction is that this issue is dead.  The NRA's strategy of laying low during periods following dramatic gun violence is working in their favor again.  Thoughts and prayers are shit when it comes to gun violence, but it looks like this time thoughts and prayers are all we're going to get.

Unless you live under a rock, you know that a terrorist with brown skin drove onto a bike path in Lower Manhattan killing 8 and wounding many more.  The President immediately called out Senate Majority Leader, Chuck Schumer, blaming him for an immigration lottery that allowed the alleged perpetrator into this country.  He called it a "Schumer Beauty."  Funny though that the law was executed by a republican president, and that Schumer and the bipartisan "Gang of 8" tried to kill it in 2013 in an immigration reform bill after seeing that the 1990 lottery program had serious problems.  Senate Republicans blocked it in a 68-32 vote.  Well done, morons. (note: the Presidents travel ban wouldn't have stopped this attack...or the attack by the white terrorist in Las Vegas, or the one by white terrorist Dylann Roof, or white terrorist Cliven Bundy in Nevada and then his sons in Oregon.)

For $200, you too can create advertisements on FaceBook, create nationalist or religious groups...or both, and inspire them to parade/protest each other in order to create some long-distance chaos as Russians did in 2016 in Houston.  Right, they remotely started a riot.  Well done.  It's time, folks, that advertisements on social media should be monitored by the same agencies that monitor advertisements in print and on TV.  However, we need to be mindful about two things: 1) as much as the tech giants point out that this flew under their radar, they took the ad revenues all the same.  To FaceBook and Twitter, money is money, and as long as these ads were paid for, social media platforms were all too happy to pocked the money; 2) we need to be careful about banning these purposed propaganda campaigns.  Why?  First Amendment.  It would be a slippery slope to go from banning these ideas to banning any and all opposing and contrasting views. 

Suffice it to say, we have problems, and while I am the first one to point at the Cheeto-in-Chief,  many, if not all of the above, have Congressional implications.  It's time to get angry again people, angry at Congress for politicizing our lives, and acting only in ways that get them reelected through rhetoric and inaction.  The President is right.  As terrible as we, the people may think he is, Congress is worse.  Maybe we were focusing on the wrong swamp?