My Football Fantasy 2014

You smell that?  Me too!  Fantasy Football is just around the corner, and I’m starting to get really freaky excited about it.  Please tell me that I’m not the only one who ends a season (typically before the Fantasy Play-Offs) and is ready to re-draft and start all over again.  Fantasy Football has made me pay attention to the sport on a whole where before I was primarily focused on local teams only.  ESPN and other sports news outlets, make it too easy by providing RSS feeds of the latest stories at minicamp, or OTA’s, or who got arrested this week: all kinds of fantasy-relevant information! 

For instance, did you know that Rex Ryan is a great coach?  No?  Whose opinion is that?  Well, his of course.  Granted, he credits his staff and the players for making him so great…still, I am amazed about the types of headlines the Jets get (non-football related) as compared with their regional rivals, the Giants…whose headlines this week quote Eli as saying that he’s “nervous” about a new offense in the upcoming season.  I think I’d rather a braggart coach than a clammy-handed QB.  Still, the other big Jets news this week was that they’re adopting a point system for season ticket holders to keep the fans in the game.  If you attend a number of home games, you get points.  If you participate in a J-E-T-S chant during the game, more points.  If there’s a sack or INT during the game, points and points.  What can you use them for?  Right now, not much, but they’re working on swag that you can cash them in on, including using points as a lottery ticket so that you can watch the game with the team’s owner, Woody Johnson.  I have said this a number of times, Jets really work to keep their fans while the Giants get next to nothing in game-day takeaways…other than a letter saying “Thanks for spending your money on the Giants…here’s your tickets.” 

I don’t know if the Jets are going to be good this year.  They seemed to take a page out of the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons playbook by bringing on some of yesteryears greatest players…i.e. CJ2K and Michael “Dog Pound” Vick.  I hope that Jets get some kind of running game going (mostly for fantasy purposes), but, Vick is an overpaid convicted felon cry-baby, and Chris Johnson, who’s looked great on paper for years, has under-produced in Tennessee for the last 4 years.  Add that to a, largely, untried receiver crew, and Jets could be shaky…or could be excellent…unlike the Giants who are “nervous.” 

Speaking of the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons and bad press, it seems that people are fairly polarized on the subject of renaming the team.  And, the US Patent office has rejected the trademarked name of “Redskins.”  My personal feelings is that, when I thought about it (and, honestly, until someone bitched about the name, I really didn’t give it much thought), having a team by that name is almost as offensive as featuring a team in the NYC area called the New York Kikes.  I’m sure there’s a ton of other racial epithets you can “insert here” for a similar joke, but it’s true.  Just because it was OK before, doesn’t mean that it was ever OK, and that it’s not OK now.  Throw on top of that the team’s obstinate owner making statements about how he’ll never change the team name…and, well, methinks he doth protest too much.  Frankly, I think the patent thing will carry the most weight.  Without the trademarking rights, the NFL leaves itself open to losing money as knock-offs, which were once discouraged, will flood the market.  And, if there’s anything the NFL can’t stand losing, it’s money. 

The team of the ‘Skins?  I don’t know.  Every year I’m terrified of playing them because, on paper, they look great…based on last year’s stats.  I’ll admit to not wanting to play against a mobile QB AND DeSean Jackson…but I know that, by the time we (the Giants) play them, they’ll have lost enough games where Jackson will be belligerent and mentally out of the game…just as he was for the Eagles on their, now, mostly racist WR squad.  I can’t say anything else about the ‘Iggles because their QB is freaky-efficient and they can only be better than they were last year. 

That’s about it.  Preseason starts in a couple of weeks.  Giants play in the Hall Of Fame game in Canton, OH.  The Cowboys will implode during Romo’s last season as starting QB (not-so-bold prediction is that he gets pulled mid-season for younger unproven talent and they finish bottom in the division).  Time to start getting some mock-drafts under my belt…but not too many, because there’s plenty of time for my favorite players to get in trouble/arrested/injured/fail drug tests/etc. before it’s time to get serious and draft a team/s.  Are you ready for some football? 

(P.S.  Star Wars + Football = Awesomeness!)

A love letter to Al

When someone tells you that they’re picking up the latest album of a popular artist who has enjoyed commercial success since 1983, you’d probably take that trip down memory lane remembering that was the same year that Thriller hit #1, that Kiss first “unmasked” and performed without make-up, or, digging deeper, that year that Quiet Riot’s “Mental Health” topped the US Album charts.  Cum on, feel the noise?!  Oh, Dee…you couldn’t spell for shit even then!

No, no no…1983 marked the release of a far more important album…one that launched the career of mad genius Weird “Al” Yankovic!  Yes, there’s a ton of press on him this week as he’s in the middle of releasing 8 music videos in 8 days on various internet video services.  Of the three I’ve seen thus far, they’re hysterical (parodies of Happy, Blurred Lines, and Royals). 

Let’s just say that a large portion of my childhood was spent reading Mad Magazine (Cracked was for losers) and listening to the latest Weird Al polka compilation of popular music.  There have been many times when I had that “Ah ha” moment as I heard the original song and linked it to the parody I had been listening to for years.  It wasn’t until I was deep in my teen years when I realized that his Hot Rocks Polka was exclusively Rolling Stones material!  Duh!  Honestly, you haven't heard the Rolling Stones until you've listened to them in the originally intended polka style.  Jagger could have used an accordion in their Sucking in the 70's tour.

His songs were featured in a number of movies, both live action and cartoon; the theme for Spy Hard, As a kid growing up in the 80’s, who could forget that in the same cartoon where the word “shit” was uttered, it also boasted an original by my musical hero!

And then came UHF, Weird Al’s 1989 movie that featured him in the lead role, but my first knowledge of Michael Richard’s physical comedic delivery as Stanly Spadowski.  This film is full of quotable lines including “You’re so stupid!”, “Twinkie Weiner Sandwich”, and “You get to drink from the…FIREHOSE!”

And, in the 1990s, he had his own Saturday morning show featuring Harvey the Wonder Hampster and Billy West, voice artist responsible for Ren & Stimpy, Fry, Prof. Farnsword and Zoidberg on Futurama, the Red M&M and the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee!  I mean, you can’t make this stuff up!

OK, he's a bit warped, but all in all, you’d have a hard time finding a musician/actor/writer who has been artistically relevant across so many media outlets for as long as Al has.  And, you'd have a hard time finding a musician as revered as Al is by his peers.  Dave Grohl said that he knew he'd made it as a musician when Weird "Al" parodied Smells Like Teen Spirit.  And, Mark Knopfler and Guy Fletcher insisted they play their respective instruments on the Dire Straights parody of Money for Nothing:

(If you're into the shot-for-shot parodies, also check out his version of Michael Jackson's "Bad": Fat...just too many awesome videos to list here)

Regardless of where you became aware of this man, make sure you check out his page today and the next 4 after that to see what new videos he’s released.  Also, make sure to check out this homage to tackiness which has a cast of stars you’re guaranteed to recognize.  As nerdy becomes increasingly trendy, you’re going to have to know your Weird “Al” to keep up with the cool kids!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsWo8apgLys

Queen Bea

An accounting of events re: Aruba’s Queen Beatrix International Airport, United Airlines and the TSA:

Hi.  You don’t know me, but recently I traveled to your (mostly) beautiful island.  I spent a week in the sun, lathered in sunscreen, with Pina Colada in hand, watching your people’s quaint game of “futbol.”  I have to say that, beyond the ridiculous prices for food, it was an overall pleasurable experience…until I tried to return home.  I can’t blame all of you for every facet of the singular experience, so I’ll attempt to be judicious in my commentary in assigning responsibility.

Firstly, while slow, thank you Avis for being the easiest part of our return effort.  While you only staffed one person on a Sunday (the most busy travel day of the week, more on that later), the gentleman was still kind and smiling throughout the 25 minute process.  That’s right, it took 25 minutes to return a car which had already been paid for, gassed up, and returned with no more scratches/dents than was borrowed with.

Sir or Madam of United Airlines, I will first profess to be no master of the internet.  However, I would like to point out to both you and Airport staff, that the internet is a wonderful source of information.  Granted, without wifi in your terminal, it is more difficult to come by that information unless you have a hard-wired connection…but I digress.  Why is this important?  Well, certainly, regardless of any other carriers flying on that same day, you should have a log of the following:  number of flights, variety of aircraft and passenger capacities, flight frequency, and the number of staffers necessary to process departures in a timely manner.  As you could guess, United Airlines was woefully understaffed to handle the volume of passengers flying on an (albeit American) Holiday weekend.  I would daresay that United should go the extra mile and see how many competing flights from other carriers there are in a day so as to ensure that the maximum number of check-in booths were available.  Obviously this didn’t happen as my party and 500 other people patiently sweated in line to check our bags.

Security was fine.  Lines were short and efficient.  However, because US Customs was in the airport too, it was required that you re-pick-up your bag after security so as to process your trip through customs.  Another line full of fuming travelers formed as we were expected to retrieve our baggage from the respective airline holding areas.  Why?  Who knows, but the line was yet another 300 or 400 people long.  We finally argued our way up front to retrieve our luggage so as to not miss our flight.  While the pick-up/drop-off concept a good idea conceptually, it was executed poorly.  Once in the room with the piled bags, only 5 of our 6 made it to the United Airlines pile.  I don’t know whose responsibility it was to ensure that the bags got to the correct location, but it did take us a while to figure out that someone was attempting to send our bag out on Jet Blue instead of our flight with United.  That was about 20 minutes of hysteria as it was inconceivable that in the 10 minutes from when we dropped it off, the bag was already missing.  Still, diligence in our party managed to thwart someone’s nefarious plot to inadvertently ship our bag to the mid-west.  Time to get back in line.

US Customs line was, at least, another 500 people.  Why?  Turns out that TSA’s computers went down for a bit. Gosh, that’s reassuring.  Your tax dollars well spent.  I understand that its TSA representatives operating in a foreign country…however, if you’ve ever been to Aruba, you’d realize that the majority of people on holiday are from the States.  And, the terminal we were in was exclusively for US travel.  In my opinion, this was inexcusable…especially since we’d just been in two ridiculous lines, and this was the third.  Did I mention no wifi?  Add to that limited cell service.  No way to know whether our flight left, was delayed or outright cancelled. 

However, finally we did make it to the gates.  Which gate?  The boarding pass said 7.  However, the board didn’t even show our flight had arrived.  A look around showed many confused passengers going from gate to gate (luckily it’s not a large airport), looking to board a plane with no gate assignment.  Not us.  Why?  I had quickly identified two gentlemen in uniforms patiently waiting with us.  Yes, the pilot and co-pilot were among those going to Newark without a plane.  Pop a squat dudes, we’re in it for the long haul. 

All said and done, the flight took off 1:35 minutes after it was scheduled.  This brought our Aruba Airport experience to a total of 4:35hrs, and a delayed arrival at Newark of about 1:50hrs.  Home, with two cranky exhausted children and all of the checked luggage by 11pm.  Now, I’m no mathematician, but I will say this, flying anywhere is an amazing thought.  While they sell you shitty snacks and give you your $0.50 of soda, you’re still flying…you, with no wings and absolutely no business being that far up in the sky, are flying (see Louis C.K.), BUT, total travel time, including the drive from the hotel to the airport, was greater than 10hrs…i.e. the same amount of drive time to get from the Jerz to Bar Harbor, or the southernmost tip of the Outer Banks.  So, before you brag about how flights save time, consider the TOTAL time spent…and add to that the exorbitant cost for your family to be seated, fed and comfortable…and your inability to affordably check as many bags as you want.  I see a flightless vacation in my future for next summer.  Bar Harbor/New England, I miss you so much!