Queen Bea

An accounting of events re: Aruba’s Queen Beatrix International Airport, United Airlines and the TSA:

Hi.  You don’t know me, but recently I traveled to your (mostly) beautiful island.  I spent a week in the sun, lathered in sunscreen, with Pina Colada in hand, watching your people’s quaint game of “futbol.”  I have to say that, beyond the ridiculous prices for food, it was an overall pleasurable experience…until I tried to return home.  I can’t blame all of you for every facet of the singular experience, so I’ll attempt to be judicious in my commentary in assigning responsibility.

Firstly, while slow, thank you Avis for being the easiest part of our return effort.  While you only staffed one person on a Sunday (the most busy travel day of the week, more on that later), the gentleman was still kind and smiling throughout the 25 minute process.  That’s right, it took 25 minutes to return a car which had already been paid for, gassed up, and returned with no more scratches/dents than was borrowed with.

Sir or Madam of United Airlines, I will first profess to be no master of the internet.  However, I would like to point out to both you and Airport staff, that the internet is a wonderful source of information.  Granted, without wifi in your terminal, it is more difficult to come by that information unless you have a hard-wired connection…but I digress.  Why is this important?  Well, certainly, regardless of any other carriers flying on that same day, you should have a log of the following:  number of flights, variety of aircraft and passenger capacities, flight frequency, and the number of staffers necessary to process departures in a timely manner.  As you could guess, United Airlines was woefully understaffed to handle the volume of passengers flying on an (albeit American) Holiday weekend.  I would daresay that United should go the extra mile and see how many competing flights from other carriers there are in a day so as to ensure that the maximum number of check-in booths were available.  Obviously this didn’t happen as my party and 500 other people patiently sweated in line to check our bags.

Security was fine.  Lines were short and efficient.  However, because US Customs was in the airport too, it was required that you re-pick-up your bag after security so as to process your trip through customs.  Another line full of fuming travelers formed as we were expected to retrieve our baggage from the respective airline holding areas.  Why?  Who knows, but the line was yet another 300 or 400 people long.  We finally argued our way up front to retrieve our luggage so as to not miss our flight.  While the pick-up/drop-off concept a good idea conceptually, it was executed poorly.  Once in the room with the piled bags, only 5 of our 6 made it to the United Airlines pile.  I don’t know whose responsibility it was to ensure that the bags got to the correct location, but it did take us a while to figure out that someone was attempting to send our bag out on Jet Blue instead of our flight with United.  That was about 20 minutes of hysteria as it was inconceivable that in the 10 minutes from when we dropped it off, the bag was already missing.  Still, diligence in our party managed to thwart someone’s nefarious plot to inadvertently ship our bag to the mid-west.  Time to get back in line.

US Customs line was, at least, another 500 people.  Why?  Turns out that TSA’s computers went down for a bit. Gosh, that’s reassuring.  Your tax dollars well spent.  I understand that its TSA representatives operating in a foreign country…however, if you’ve ever been to Aruba, you’d realize that the majority of people on holiday are from the States.  And, the terminal we were in was exclusively for US travel.  In my opinion, this was inexcusable…especially since we’d just been in two ridiculous lines, and this was the third.  Did I mention no wifi?  Add to that limited cell service.  No way to know whether our flight left, was delayed or outright cancelled. 

However, finally we did make it to the gates.  Which gate?  The boarding pass said 7.  However, the board didn’t even show our flight had arrived.  A look around showed many confused passengers going from gate to gate (luckily it’s not a large airport), looking to board a plane with no gate assignment.  Not us.  Why?  I had quickly identified two gentlemen in uniforms patiently waiting with us.  Yes, the pilot and co-pilot were among those going to Newark without a plane.  Pop a squat dudes, we’re in it for the long haul. 

All said and done, the flight took off 1:35 minutes after it was scheduled.  This brought our Aruba Airport experience to a total of 4:35hrs, and a delayed arrival at Newark of about 1:50hrs.  Home, with two cranky exhausted children and all of the checked luggage by 11pm.  Now, I’m no mathematician, but I will say this, flying anywhere is an amazing thought.  While they sell you shitty snacks and give you your $0.50 of soda, you’re still flying…you, with no wings and absolutely no business being that far up in the sky, are flying (see Louis C.K.), BUT, total travel time, including the drive from the hotel to the airport, was greater than 10hrs…i.e. the same amount of drive time to get from the Jerz to Bar Harbor, or the southernmost tip of the Outer Banks.  So, before you brag about how flights save time, consider the TOTAL time spent…and add to that the exorbitant cost for your family to be seated, fed and comfortable…and your inability to affordably check as many bags as you want.  I see a flightless vacation in my future for next summer.  Bar Harbor/New England, I miss you so much!