Well, there's no place like the Internet for the Holidays

I didn't post last week because of Thanksgiving.  And, I'm having real issue posting this week because I really would like to step away from the doom and gloom of everyday news: celebrities being outed as power-hungry misogynistic abusers, the President's off-color and off-base remarks, and the looming threat of a nuclear apocalypse.

No, this week I'd prefer to highlight gifts for the people in your life who have everything.  Note: these purchases, like so many others this holiday season, are completely unnecessary, but totally cool, and we need them!  So, without further ado, my wishlist:

You have a job.  You have kids or cats or dogs (or Hawaiian turtles).  You have a life, and life is hard.  You need to feed yourself, those things, and when you're done, you need to prep for the next day.  And you're tired.  Oh, so tired.  How many times have you started your bed-time clean-up ritual and accidentally taken too little or too much floss?  How much is the right amount?  Well, thank god there's something we can suction to our bathroom mirrors and put a battery in.  Yes, it's FLOSSTIME, the auto floss dispenser that you've been missing in your life.  Just press a button and you get the perfect amount of floss every time.  You can even decorate it with a cover of a small woodland animal so that it appeals to kids.  And, as it obstructs your view of the actual mirror, it stands as a reminder to press that button, tear the floss and commit to dental hygiene.  Never mind that their proprietary floss cartridges costs twice as much as what you can get at CVS...that you have to wait for them to deliver it.  How the hell do they know how much you'll need...for two people, for a family of four?  Never mind.  This is a stupid present.  Don't buy this for me.

Instead, I need this!  These days, scientists and doctors say your health depends on what you put in your mouth.  (Oh, those scientists and their theories.) Don't eat this.  Do eat that.  What's a modern family to do with all of the flood of do's and don'ts?  We need an easy source of protein.  One that's not fried or over-seasoned.  One that you can take on the go, and eat at nearly every meal.  What's like that?  How about, a hard-boiled incredible, edible egg!  Our family goes through at least two dozen eggs a week.  Typically, we hard-boil a dozen, and then keep a dozen for other eggy dishes such as omelettes, scrambles, and, maybe on the weekends, French toast!  But that takes time, and I need egg now! I need an egg on the go, and hard-boiled eggs are perfect for grabbing and snacking.  But, you say, aren't they too round?  I mean, they might roll onto the floor before you can eat it, and then it's a complete waste of an egg!  Enter the Eddington Egg Cuber!  Just put a freshly, hot, boiled egg into the cuber, set it in the fridge, and in 10 minutes, you too can have CUBED BOILED EGGS!  They don't roll.  It's tons of fun to freak out your kids, and, with one Egg Cuber for $12.99 on Amazon, you can cube an entire dozen eggs in 2 hours!  That's...that's terrible.  What the hell is wrong with people.  I've changed my mind.  This too is stupid.

I guess gift shopping is really hard, especially all of the moving your fingers need to do in order to get something from Amazon.  It's exhausting.  If only there was a way for me to nap comfortably at my desk.  It would have to be well cushioned, and help to darken my immediate environment.  I would also want space for my hands, and if I'm slumped over in my chair, I don't want to crush my nose...so there's got to be room for that too.  Well, friend, if these are your problems, and you know they are, look no further than the OSTRICHPILLOW!  Push your head up the narrow, um, neck line and, poof!  Instant darkness!  It's cushy.  It's got room for your mouth.  Perfect for the narcoleptic in your life.  Sleep at your desk at work!  Are you a student?  Sleep at the library while studying!  Bring it on the plane with you!  Never mind that it looks like a giant plush uterus!  Stick your head in there and get the best rest of your life for only $99!  And now, it comes in both Midnight Gray and Sleepy

Blue!   "Welcome to the napping revolution!" is their slogan, which seems a little ridiculous since, revolution implies action, and napping is, well...napping.  And if you don't want to wear something that makes you look like a stuffed cephalopod, they've got cushy mittens and gauntlets you can rest your weary head on so that you can laze off and nap that way.  I don't know.  I'm rethinking this, and I can't imagine carting around a $100 stuffed vagina to work or on the plane for a power nap.  I mean, as a valued employee, it's probably bad to advertise that I plan on drifting off during the work day.  Yeah, I guess this is kind of dumb too. 

I don't know.  I guess I need to re-think the logic of  gifts this year.  It's probably best to stick with something universally loved and at the same time, absolutely functional.  Something that serves a purpose but is stylish and current and something that the kids can relate to.  OK, forget all of the above, and just get me this.  Happy holiday shopping every one.  And remember, when in doubt, send cash.