From Mortgages to Mortality

As my friends are in the middle of having our 40^th birthdays, shit’s starting to get real.  Late bloomers are finding their soul-mates and getting married.  Others are finding their groove at work, or at play.  Hobbies are becoming something that we pass down to our kids in hopes that we leave them more than just a genetic legacy.

But as I said, shit is getting real.  There’s this sense of impending grief that I’m feeling.  With my most recent experience, it solidified some very intense emotions.  I wasn’t prepared.  I’m not sure I’d be prepared for the next one, and I’m praying that I won’t have to deal with it any time soon.  Because at 40, there are some very real concerns.  Our parents are aging.  Our bodies are aging and, some of those words that happen to “other people” are creeping in: death in the family, accidents, and cancer.  And, in the last 3 months, my friends and I have experienced all of them.

Are we unique?  No.  Did we think we were invulnerable?  Absolutely not.  Logically, we knew what we had on the line, decided that this shit happens to other people, and resolved to go on with our very hectic lives.  And then the rug was pulled out from under us.  Even though we knew to expect it, we didn’t, and that made the grief all that much more real.  While our lives slow down, we have been forced to grow, now faster than ever.   It hurts.  It’s way too much to come to terms with.  Worst of all, it’s impossible to express to those around us.  People just want to help.  We just want the world to quiet down so that we can focus on the reality of the situation.  We push people away.  We insist we can do it alone.  We can get this done. 

And we can.  We’re strong enough…but what I came to realize is what people say all the time: rely on your loved ones to help.  It’s so much easier to say than it is to do.  We have a burden…and we understand what a heavy weight that is…and we don’t want to be THAT to someone else, so we shut down.  We say no to the many friendly gestures that are offered.   We also feel obligated to the community making the effort to prop us up.  We post updates.  We circulate the latest information, trying not to be too grim about the reality.  And then we push the world away again. 

I know I’ve said it before, but thank you to everyone who had made offers to help me and my family.  I still don’t want it.  I know I need it because despite my best efforts, some of that love, that caring did get through…and it made me think of something else for a while.  A bunch of you played Trivia Crack with me while I was sitting in the hospital, waiting for visiting hours to resume at the ICU.  A friend was about to fly up from Georgia to keep me company.  I had that covered with occasional visits from some great friends.  Instead, I settled for a joke, which made me laugh out loud.  In hindsight, I would have loved that company.  I would have loved the meals that were offered; the offers of picking up the kids for play dates or from school or on weekends.  And, I turned it all down, relying on my family to pick up that slack. 

And, for that, I’m sorry.  You were right.  I did need that stuff and more.  Again, that’s old news.  My life is at a place right now I didn’t know could be a reality just 2 months ago.  But that growth is ridiculous, because my friends have recently gone through or are going through the most difficult test in their life, and their struggle was mine.  It’s so hard learning who we are, and that we’re now in the driver’s seat, and all of the responsibilities that come with that.  I just wish for them what was once wished for me, and it’s now my turn to push some of that unwanted goodness and well-wishing to those who also don’t think they need it.