As my friends are in the middle of having our 40th
birthdays, shit’s starting to get real.
Late bloomers are finding their soul-mates and getting married. Others are finding their groove at work, or
at play. Hobbies are becoming something
that we pass down to our kids in hopes that we leave them more than just a
genetic legacy.
But as I said, shit is getting real. There’s this sense of impending grief that I’m
feeling. With my most recent experience,
it solidified some very intense emotions.
I wasn’t prepared. I’m not sure I’d
be prepared for the next one, and I’m praying that I won’t have to deal with it
any time soon. Because at 40, there are
some very real concerns. Our parents are
aging. Our bodies are aging and, some of
those words that happen to “other people” are creeping in: death in the family,
accidents, and cancer. And, in the last
3 months, my friends and I have experienced all of them.
Are we unique?
No. Did we think we were
invulnerable? Absolutely not. Logically, we knew what we had on the line,
decided that this shit happens to other people, and resolved to go on with our
very hectic lives. And then the rug was
pulled out from under us. Even though we
knew to expect it, we didn’t, and that made the grief all that much more
real. While our lives slow down, we have
been forced to grow, now faster than ever.
It hurts. It’s way too much to
come to terms with. Worst of all, it’s
impossible to express to those around us.
People just want to help. We just
want the world to quiet down so that we can focus on the reality of the
situation. We push people away. We insist we can do it alone. We can get this done.
And we can. We’re
strong enough…but what I came to realize is what people say all the time: rely
on your loved ones to help. It’s so much
easier to say than it is to do. We have
a burden…and we understand what a heavy weight that is…and we don’t want to be
THAT to someone else, so we shut down.
We say no to the many friendly gestures that are offered. We also feel obligated to the community
making the effort to prop us up. We post
updates. We circulate the latest information,
trying not to be too grim about the reality.
And then we push the world away again.
I know I’ve said it before, but thank you to everyone who
had made offers to help me and my family.
I still don’t want it. I know I
need it because despite my best efforts, some of that love, that caring did get
through…and it made me think of something else for a while. A bunch of you played Trivia Crack with me
while I was sitting in the hospital, waiting for visiting hours to resume at
the ICU. A friend was about to fly up
from Georgia to keep me company. I had
that covered with occasional visits from some great friends. Instead, I settled for a joke, which made me
laugh out loud. In hindsight, I would
have loved that company. I would have
loved the meals that were offered; the offers of picking up the kids for play
dates or from school or on weekends.
And, I turned it all down, relying on my family to pick up that
slack.
And, for that, I’m sorry.
You were right. I did need that
stuff and more. Again, that’s old
news. My life is at a place right now I
didn’t know could be a reality just 2 months ago. But that growth is ridiculous, because my
friends have recently gone through or are going through the most difficult test
in their life, and their struggle was mine.
It’s so hard learning who we are, and that we’re now in the driver’s
seat, and all of the responsibilities that come with that. I just wish for them what was once wished for
me, and it’s now my turn to push some of that unwanted goodness and
well-wishing to those who also don’t think they need it.
